It was a great time in my life. Learning to be a good man, it's not easy but worth for a try. Praise to be with Him, His the one who gives me hope and love. I learned to depend on Him solely. Even the day I will fall down, I hope it wouldn't be that painful! Because I have hope.

 

For the past few weeks, I've a great time talking to this lovely lady. In fact, we are falling in love. We share a lot of things, past, present & future. She is kind, nice and lovely. How much more I can compliment her? Only God knows. I never felt that good before. There're so much things I wished I can put it up here, great thing is, it's private! Something that only me and her will know.

 

I've done something special today, only God knows. It's about Him, about me and her. She told me that everybody is praying for her, how great it is that someone that care for her wish her for good. So, I'm doing this not only for Him, me but also for her. I wished what we have talked about these days will be our destiny and He may bless us to be together. Who knows what will happen then? All I can do is have faith in Him, for he is a faithful God.

 

When look back to the past, I struggle in life and also in spirit, doing my best to improve myself and I see it worthy after being hardworking for so long. My dear, I still have a long long way to go!   

Amazing! That's all I can say. I just can't believe it! I just can't believe it! I just can't believe it! How many time I've to say this? Hahahaha...There are so much joy that I never have in my life! I've been an evidence to myself that Jesus is real!

 

From a selfish man that do things according to my own desire, and trusted myself that I can do miracle, I was totally foolish and selfish. From the day I promise my God I'll no longer follow my instinct and do my own favour, but to give up worrying for myself and to trust Him, obey Him, follow Him; immediately He turned Himself to me!

 

1 Corinthians 1:20, Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? I've been a fool to myself, and I've made so much mistakes in my life, and I can't believe that what He says is truth!

 

Now, this special friend is willing to give me a chance, she's coming and we'll work things out. I told her everything about myself, from head to toe, even about the recent lady I go after, and I have come clean to her. She's willing to accept me as who I am. And today I told her about my current situation, I'm poor, living in squatter and she said to me it's fine, she willing to share the burden with me. Can you believe that? Your mercy has been upon me, I'm thankful!

 

Pal, I urge you to trust in Him, and have 100% + 1% faith in Him. When the time I'm in my lowest point, He shows me miracles, this is one of it, He gave hope for me. A hope that was so huge and real, I think it can only happen in fairy tale. Now it's not, so have faith in Him.

 

I shall wait for you, my dear.

 

Father, thank You!

Morning     : -2

Noon        : -2

Afternoon   : -1 

 

Oh my God! The cause to all my frustrations is the worries inside me! It was the most depressed time in my life. I'm worried all over my financial status, I worried that I can't do the best to my fellow friend from Seoul that may be coming soon and I just can't stop worrying.

 

When will I stop thinking nonsense and rely on you, Father? I'm torturing myself, and I can't stand it no more. I wished I can be the one that I am when I study in college, the one that dare not to afraid and rely on You for everything. I remember the day that I only left RM600 in my bank account and I survived for 3 months. It was such a miracle in my life! It was You that given me a hope when I'm in the toughest race against my life.

 

Today, this toughest time come back again. Where is my gut to face this challenge? And where is my faith? When I can make it through last time, why I can't do it this time? I am the enemy to myself, I've to learn in my life to give up everything and starts all over again. I have to face it with brave heart and with dignity. 

 

I've promised You to do my best, the principles that I have made to You and You have me now. Win or lose, You be the judge. It's time for me to have faith, a deep faith in You. I can't be selfish anymore, You are my ruler, have mercy on me.

A month plus I've depend on His will, there were up and down during these time. I have worried much, I've angry much, but I know, something happen to me. I started to change inwardly, in this trying time. 

 

By the time I let go the so much hope on that friend, I started to gain something else. I knew I shouldn't be that old self of me, a fool. I understand that this is not a life of head hunting. I'm not a hunter, and I'm not going to hunt anymore. And it's a top choice for me to put more effort on Him, my refuge and shelter. Trying to be a refugee now. In fact, after giving up being a fool and abandon the selfish mindset, good things happen to me. 

 

I consistently reading His word, oftenly doing quiet time before and after sleep. My mind is much more peaceful, and on top of that, I'm able to share my experience and opinion to someone that needed assistance. I have that little joy by sharing my overcome of depression with a person that lost of hope last week. It's not a one time task, it's a long commitment towards someone that needed guidance in life, and I pray to Him, He is the one that doing the job. I'm only His unworthy servant. I have this in my mind, am I a hypocrite? or I'm trying to hide from my problems?

 

When the time seems to lose hope, I found someone that I have lost contact 3 years ago. Someone that barely known, I took her pictures and I keep it until now. I thought I never gave her the pictures, waited for 3 years and the miracle happened. She still remember me, and I'm surprise. We were so excited at first, and she acted eagerly to know how am I doing. We chat and we laugh, I still remember how she laugh, she never change. It happen that she have those pictures I took for her, and it's another foolish act I have done 3 years ago. In fact, it's a wonderful coincidence, she said she will pay a visit to KK this coming September. And I look forward for this journey with this wonderful friend.

 

At a sudden, I'm full with hope, some kind of excitement that we long for eternity. I understood for my heavy lifting, and I do understand her situation. I offer this missionary a kind assistance, I will arrange everything for this wonderful friend during her stay in this country, she insisted to pay, but I told her that Paul don't even need to pay for his journey to Syria. I given her this example is because I'm reading this passage in book of Acts during quiet time. She is happy and accept my offer. I'm happy that I'm serving a servant of the Lord.

 

I went to look for part time job in shopping mall, I feel hesitated when asking for job, I feel like I'm too old for it. Maybe I couldn't face the hardship I've been through during young age. I wished I can, but the bookshop turned me down because I can only work for less than 4 hours a day. I didn't ask more, I will find another opportunity.

 

Commitment, is what I need to fulfill. That is why I have hope when we first get contacted. It's a commitment to a friend, doing good for a long lost friend, and serving the servant of the Lord, they too need to be served. I think so. May You be the One that blessed your servants!      

 

 

Morning   : Neutral

Noon      : +2

Afternoon : +2

 

Pinky, pinky, pinky. My life gets pinky this week. My TV gets pink in colour, monitor gets pink and my visual gets the vision of pink too when looking at what I'm typing. Why must all things spoilt when I am broke?

 

I've horrible feelings today. When I go to sleep yesterday night, my neigbour the same floor make noise at the corridor; shouting at his children and I think he beat them up. The neighbour at below, sitting outside his house with his friends talking and playing music with their phone. I couldn't have a good sleep.

 

In the office, that particular colleague makes me jump up from my chair. 3 days for that particular colleague to get pricing from suppliers, and that particular colleague just couldn't deliver a simple task. Until the time I left the office, there was no report on my desk. After 3 rounds of meeting, briefing and explanation, that particular colleague just couldn't understand what he/she should do. I wish I have the patient to correct and teach him/her. I am mad! I hope I know how to write a proposal for tomorrow meeting.

 

I wished you never get angry with me, I didn't mean to judge you or to hurt your feeling. Go! Fly with your wing and search for your freedom! You have my blessing. 

 

There's so much thing for me to learn, a long way for me to improve my character & life. May God forgive me.

 

     

Morning     : +1

Noon        : Neutral

Afternoon   : Neutral

 

It was good, I have a good sleep, 9:45pm went to bed yesterday. I've a good day to start with.

 

Went to office, have a post mortem for last week dinner event. A bit tension for me, as usual for a person that in charge backstage. Screwed up by bosses, have to accept every single scrutiny and advise. But I learned to take it and let time pass through, to ease my pain, so to speak. Some how I figured out a bad habit that I must change, that is I cover up my ache with excuses which I don't have to do so. Sin, and no good for me, I have to repent and strip down to the bottom and learn from scrap.

 

It was an ease to me that I feel free to me after event finish. Lesser job yet my mind is free from financial burden and other cause. I think is a good start, and I have started to read the bible frequently, hope it will last long. There is so much thing to improve in me, character and mindset, and it's a good day to start with. 

Morning    : -1

Noon       : +1

Afternoon  : Neutral

 

I was so devastated yesterday, the planning that suppose to go accordingly, it happens not to be. The parcel that suppose to arrive in London, end up sent to Manchester. I am so annoyed by the British courier, how can they make such a big mistake? It's like a parcel to be delivered to KL, ended up in Penang. Everything gone, communication break down, and hope is lost. Whole day is a bad day.

 

As usual, I went to work. I wanted to go washroom, some how that funny guy locked himself in it for sometime and I can't wait, I went to a nearby coffee shop to help myself. On the way back, I fell down on the slippery floor and sprain my ankle. It's like a bad day, I was frustated, things that suppose to be fine ended up not fine. I can't give up, I must move on.

 

By afternoon, I'm rushing to complete the proposal. It was slightly tension to rush for the proposal, but I keep it cool. Even though in my heart this project might not be a success, I try to calm down. We reach there on time, explained to the person in charge and he is satisfied. Our proposal is outstanding, we may have a chance. This is a great satisfaction to me for today, little excited, I felt like I have saved the day.

 

It's not me that change the day, I know I can't leave Him every single minute, I'm like a wild horse, always try to do things on my own. I have learned, I can't continue to do things my way, You're the One that have control over me. I'm so sorry, I failed again. I have to come back to Him.

 

Looking back, step by step, I'm growing, becoming better each day. 7 years down the road believing in Him, a long tough journey I've been through, like a moth turning into butterfly. Struggling and rejection, suffering and believing, I've come through. Now I know, this is a great awakening!

Morning   : Neutral

Noon      : Neutral

Afternoon : Nothing more peaceful than today

 

Yesterday, I almost make the same mistake, 2 big mistakes that I have done before. It's unbearable and unforgivable, it's the worst of the worst thing I've done before, I wished I can turn back time and undo it. For a moment of pleasure, it turns out to be a catastrophic. I do not know where do I get the nerve to ask for it. In a second, I have the andrenalin rush, bit by bit I walked into the trap, the desire is over my head but I am afraid to do it. At the end, I did not have the gut to say it, I just quit.   

 

Today, like days before, I'm busy, preparing paper work for upcoming presentation. But today I realised that I have the peace like I never have it before. No worry, no sense of loosing and no trouble. And I know that I have nothing to lose. I may have done something bad lately, but I know should continue to walk, continue to do better.

 

There's a evil in me, I wanted get rid of it. It's invisible but real, it will put me down one day. I have to find a way out.   

Morning    : +1

Noon        : Neutral

Afternoon : Neutral

 

I did not have a good sleep, itchy all over my leg and arms. I think it's the act of mosquito bites. Maybe i just couldn't get to sleep, keep thinking of someone, someone that so far away. How is the ending? I don't know.

 

When I woke up in the morning, I'm fine. I drove to office with a simple prayer. When I start work, I made a mistake. I thought my colleague did not clearified with me the radio advertisement package. After thinking back, I should held responsibility over my act for not running a thorough checking and blamed this colleague. This few weeks we are busy, busy with new projects. And I have to rush for preparing proposal and presentation. Maybe of the minor stress during this time, I'm a bit out of control.

 

I haven't start my exercise, the motivation not yet kick in, but myself have to push in to do so. I have long meetings over this 2 days, and I having minor headache after the last meeting today. I go home on time and would like to have a good rest. 

 

I'm dreaming the impossible, and I'm doing the impossible. I can't wait for the right time to come, I wished I can have the answer right now, hope I can make her smile.

 

Morning    : Neutral

Noon        : Neutral

Afternoon : Neutral

 

I'm growing up listen to the songs by Roxette, I'm their big fan. The era of 90's has gone, and the era of milennium comes without promising. Days gone by, the painful days and sufferrings are fading away, what we have achieved is not what we really want. It's a crazy world out there, who can we trust? Nobody but Him. For all the disappoinment we face each day, where can we turn to? Only Him.

 

I have to say, even though I can't see Him nor feel Him, He is for real, everybody said the same thing. How do you know He does exist? His spirit was here as everybody claimed it. But why I can't see or feel His existance? We just have to believed it.

 

When the time I think I can't face the challenge, I just believed in Him. When I faced the toughest time in my life, I prayed the simple prayer and I have the enormous relieve. When I think I can't do something, I just got to rely on Him. It's not the result you think it will always turn out, you got to believed in what you are doing. I have been so selfish in my life, by the time I realised I can't depend on my own will, I learned that I have to give up my entire ambitions. It's been weeks I have depend on Him, this is really working, and I have progress much better in life. Less pain, less worries. I have learned to relax my mind, my life, and I believed I can do better, I will never give up any chances in my life.

 

My dear best friend, I understand your love one are pushing you too hard for something you don't believe in. Sometimes ladies just don't understand what the guys want, I believed we all need time to prove ourself. I believed in you, that you will do your best, and you will changed. Be patience with her, she just want the best out of you. My advice is, admire her strenght, protect her weakness, and you will be the man that she will admire too. 

 

I was so addicted to this song, it brings back the memory of the good past, it motivated me.

 

...I do believe, love came our way,
and fate did arrange for us to meet

I love when you do that hocus pocus to me
The way that you touch, you got the power to heal
You give me that look, it's almost unreal...
 

 

  

Morning    : Neutral

Noon        : -1

Afternoon : +1

 

I think I have not take any booster since the day I came down from Genting. I only depend on Him, His the only hope I have. I may not know when the day I will crash again, but I know as long I rely on Him, I will be OK.

 

I getting busy with work. I want to thank Him for breaking the zero for me. Finally, with the help of my boss, I think I manage to pull in 2 big clients. Wow, when the time my boss assigned me to do sales last year, I almost give up and resign. I have been eating zero until now. Like yesterday, we have to prepare proposal to show to the moon cake manufacturer by today, we are short of time and I needed information from my colleague so badly. The thing is, my colleague do not understand my request and acted slow. I was so frustrated and angry. At night, I realised my mistake not to angry with this colleague.  

 

When I go back to office this morning, I tried not to show my temper. Even though he still not able to show me the information that I needed, I just told this colleague that I don't need it anymore. I'm under pressure to complete a proposal. By noon time, I managed to finished a simple proposal. I'm happy that the client are happy with our proposal and hope they will accept it.

 

It was almost a 2 hour drive back to Cheras from Damansara Perdana. Raining & traffic jam. In the car, I was thinking what I have done recently. I am amazed by what I have done to that beautiful friend. Crazy, really crazy, I'm never a normal person. Missing someone can be a really beautiful thing, a combination of mixed feeling. I guess right time has not yet arrive, everything is immature. And sometimes is not the right time to push thing around too. I have to learn to wait. 

 

I'm lucky to be lucky, to have endure all the tough time in my life, even until today. I wish you good, to have found what you desire and learn something new. I can't go back for what I have done before, you may face the toughest time in your life, and I wish you luck and endurance. You will always have my support, go and find your destiny! If fate is, we shall meet again. 

 

Another 2 years to go, all I need to do is to wait patiently, and depend on Him. Then I will finally found what I looking for, If that's what it takes.

 

 

Morning    : +1

Noon        : Neutral

Afternoon : Neutral

Evening    : +1

 

It was busy today, 2 meeting in the morning, 1 at afternoon. But at least there's room of improvement in things I do.

 

When woke up this morning, as usual, I will check my mail and browse around. To my surprise, finally the one that I so cared about, she wrote back to me. I think it took me about 6 messages to get her to reply. I'm happy that the communication cycle is complete, at least she told me what she think about. I'm happy for you, my friend.

 

I keep thinking about how am I going to start my own career, doing my own business or maybe investment. Am I doing the right thing? Or I should listen to what He says? I puzzled. Would it be I will stuck in doing event for the rest of my life? Or I should go for a venture by myself? It would be more exciting If I go outside there and find my adventure. Men are wild at heart, this is their nature. What can I do? What should I count on? How am I going to set my destiny? It's time to discover my very self potential.

 

I'm setting a time frame for myself, to search for the opportunity that deem to suit myself. Hope I can find what I want, not to be selfish, I hope it's His will for me to carry on. Without You, I won't have today. The second meeting that I have in the morning, I met with a senior, way older than me. He has been in the advertising line for 25 years, his humble and shared a lot of his experience with us. He shared his experience on how he organized 81 product lauching for Toyota at Borneo island. And when he said he get 81 clowns to be at 81 car showrooms at the same time, we asked him how he do it. He told us at first he found 2 clowns there, for the rest of the clowns, he flied them to Borneo. We are stunned, because he would spent a lot of money for that. But he joked:" Now everyone can fly".

 

He had done the impossible. And I learned something from this senior. Never afraid of the challenges ahead of us, be brave and overcome it. I believed one day, I will find my destiny. My dear friend, let's work hard for a better life!

 

Morning   : Neutral

Noon       : Neutral

Afternoon: Neutral

 

Remember the days? Do you remember when you are a kid, you wanted so much to be a cyclist? And you can't afford to own one bicycle? Do you remember when the day you ride on your Fastback, how does it felt? like driving Mercedes? smooth and responsive. How much pain and suffer you have to go through by owning these bikes? How far you have travel with your Fastback? about 1000 km? I still remember, all those joy and hardwork when I am active in cycling years ago.

 

On the way up to Genting Highland, my buddy told me I need to focus on my mind. And that ex-colleague told me I need to stick to something for sometime, and it will produced result. True enough, that's the way we can become specialize in something we frequently do.

 

I have to focus, focus in whatever I'm doing. For years gone by, I have not done so. I am a man that loves sport, other than that, I'm not sure. I am good in focusing while I'm cycling, and I have travel more than 1000km in one year while I'm in college, my favourite track- Genting Sempah. It's time for me to stay focus on a target, at least at something that I love to do. How about cycling up to Genting Highland? You wished to do it long ago, why not start to train yourself now, to achieved this ultimate goal in three years?

 

Tough, but challenging. You love it, you always know that, without shading some fat and sweat, you never satisfy. Let's work on it, prepare yourself for something that you loved to do. Stay on focus, for what you are doing, and bring back the perfect day!

 

 

 

From 1700 meters above the sky back to 65 meters above the sea level, I have a wonderful time with my childhood buddy. Life is short, enjoy to the fullest.

 

I'm an adventure guy, I like to do something crazy, something that goes against the G-force, something that makes you scare to death. Up there, they may have few risky outdoor games, I do felt excited for a moment of the anti G-force games. Everybody scream and shout for that scary feeling, but to me, there is something that steal away my short period of excitement.

 

Something really missing in my life all this years, I'm trying to find it until today. I tried to find it in what I enjoyed to do, I tried to find it in my work, in games and in society. But I still couldn't find this missing link. Men are born to be wild at heart, win or lose, fail or success, they still have the heart to conquer the unthinkable. 

 

I tried hard, I tried to find the missing link in my life. Then one day, my dear friend, she asked me have I found my objective. I told her yes, but the final objective is yet to achieved. What I told her is true, but not in-depth enough.

 

Today, my dear friend, I want to tell you what I want to tell you, I will write it down as easy as I can to let you understand. Life is about sharing. you share a table with your colleague, you share a living space with your housemate, you share a seat with another passenger and things go on. We are not alone in this world, we are sharing this planet and live together. Even if you are single, but you are not alone. You are sharing your life with friends and colleagues. 

 

Dear friend, to share a life with others, you need to love them. Life without love, will only cause pain.  Love is our hope to carry on, without it, bitterness and hatred will haunt us down. I guess this is my missing link in life. I'm not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I tried hard in my life, I learned from my mistakes and I learned from scrap. You have asked me why I know so much about life? Not much I knew, my dear friend, i'm learning.

 

My dear friend, I want to have a decent life. I want to share all the joy with the one that I love. I want to bear the pain that my love is bearing, I want to have adventure with my love and I want my love to be my best friend. Before I can promise my love a decent life, gold and silver I've none, only love, honesty and diligent I can assure.

 

I want you to know, love can be selfish to a man. He wants you to achieved your ultimate goal and support you without anything in return. In addtion, he hope you can be next to him, and achieve this ultimate goal together. He knows achieving the same goal together will be much more easier, joy are shared together and surely happiness will cheer then up. Of course, any harsh they endured will be shared together and this will lighten the burden. Don't you think so?

 

I know the taste of happiness, I know the taste of hardship and I know the taste of wanted to have improvement in life. And I figuring out the best way for me and my future, I never asked to be in this situation, I guess all I need is time. No guys wanted not to be recognize, each one of us has their own value, they will need time to prove themselves. God has given me a chance to live, I only have one shot in my life, and I do not want to waste this opportunity. Certainly, I do not want to waste any time. I've chosen to live His way, and abandoned all the worldly thought, not easy, but worth to try. I've confident, I can live to the fullest. And I can't wait for it to happen. Because I have missed so much opportunities in my life. At the mean time, I have hope to carry on.  

 

My dear friend, I miss you. I hope you are doing well.

 

I get the inspiration to start my MSN blog from a beautiful friend that I met lately. She inspired me through her beautiful writing, about her life, her journey. Her writing meant a lot to me, because through her writing, I realised I can track my life progress and also to leave the most memorable experience into this blog.

 

Yesterday was a battle to me, but yet, it's an invicible war between the angel and evil. When I woke up this morning, it was a normal day like usual. I realised that, Wow! our feeling can cheat on us. Depends on our own feeling can really devastate our life, relationship and work. Some say- Feeling fails, marriage fails. That's true, I can understand that. Marriage is about commitment, a commitment about two to be together, work together and live to the fullest. It's doesn't need me to be in the shoe of those married to understand them, A good example of the predeccesor's failure have told me so.

 

I have a childhood buddy, the closest. I want to thank him for spending time with me when I was in the "lowest" point of my life. He was a tremendous buddy I really appreciate. What would it be without someone that really cares for you when you are down and helpless? God does, but with a closest buddy with you will help much either. He was a funny guy, He brought me to The Curve and 1U, the reason for this two guys to go so far away are not only to buy instant noodle, but the main purpose for him is to look for attractive females, along with me.

 

Both of us have not met for years, since the day I walk out from my house and search for my sky. We have a lot to talk, he asked about my past, and my previous relationship. I don't have the interest to look for attractive females at that time, because I'm not the hunter type.

 

In my heart, there is someone filled the room. Someone that is so special and unique, I seen her tough side, softness and cuteness during the time we work together. It was a short while, but she does captured my heart. Unfortunately, when the time I thought I would have a chance to know more about her, she's gone. And why, the sweetest thing happen in my life gone so fast?

 

When a man loves a woman, he will do the best for her. He wished he'll be the one for her, be the one to love her. When she's weak, he'll be the one to take care for her. When dawn dissapeared, he'll be the one to watch over her. When all hope broken, he'll be the one to carry her on. When being together, it's about two different world work togerther, to endure the hardship and also to enjoy good time.

 

Now she's gone. Eventhough I will not have the chance to see her again, I wished I can present flowers to her, and to see her smiling with joy. This would be one great thing a man can do to the one he loved. 

 

A beautiful mind can bring a lot of meaningful life to people, I thank God has given me a sweet time. 

 

Take care, dear friend. May your wish come true.