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11月22日 Living In His Mercy Morning : Neutral Noon : Neutral Afternoon : Neutral On 12th this month, I went to the school to visit the fellow teachers. I went there once in a while since the day I joined this organization. I have no reason to go there but something happen and coincidentally I was there. Some one, unknown, sent a lorry load of expired milk powder under the brand of "RXXXX NXX" to the school, estimate over 300 tins. The milk has occupied the whole space and it disturbed the operation of the school, the teachers do not know what to do. After rounds of questioning the teachers, I realised that the donor is a stranger. Based on the SMS he sent to one of the teacher, he said if they find the milk powder no use, they can dispose it by themselves and he felt sorry for the inconvenience caused by him. It is too irresponsible and inhuman for a wicked to do this to the weak. I called him few times and finally he picked up the phone. At first, he denied he is "Jacy"; no idea how to put his name in words. I was mad, I told him to take back all the milk by next day with stern voice, he denied and he ignored he's the one who sent the milk. After I screwed him up, he finally admit but refused to take it back and acted that he's innocent over the incident. He said things that are contradicted with what the teachers told me. The next day my boss told me that it is safe to consume this brand of milk even after 2 years it expired. The milk powder this stranger sent, expired over 8 months and my boss assumed it is still OK to consume. I felt so offended. I guess this work is not going to be easy in the future, only God can help me. By night, while I'm waiting outside someone house, a teacher SMS me and said he has took back the expired milk powder. What a relief! God has mercy over them. On 20th night, I shared my work in prayer meeting. Before that in the afternoon, I was given a chance to do a brief in a forum organized by UNICEF & Bar Council Malaysia. The only one day that happens I have to do presentation twice. It was a good one for both, thank God for having the confident. After the prayer meeting, my church members are showing their interest in helping the teacher's community. I hope God will make way for them. Life can be difficult, I learned to lean on Him and live one day at a time. Specially when facing a tricky stuff like the milk powderand water incident, only God has a unique plan. 11月11日 Amazing Morning : Neutral Noon : Neutral Afternoon : Neutral My doctor told me to write journal, and same to my boss. They said it's an important thing to do because I can keep track of my life; specially when I'm crazy. To me, it's just another chapter in my life recorded here. There was a supplier I lately engaged with, I ordered drinking water from them. They made a mistake by sending me the same amount of water twice. The agent agreed to take back the extra bottle at first, but she changed her verdict later on by saying I agree to finish drinking the water and pay the full amount. What a jerk! So, she expect me to pay the additional cost of the original one, which means I've to pay double! Me and my boss argue over this, even though my boss is with me, I do not agree with her standing on how to solve the problem. But today it came to a point that I need to face my supplier and return the extra bottles, most likely I will have to argue with them. I feel disastrous, I am reluctant to argue with them over a small amount of money and wish to pay them full in order to settle the problem. I guess not, I've to face the problem and I'm not happy. So I drove the van and worried over what will happen next, all the way to the supplier's office. And I pray a simple prayer asking for His intervention. Once I reach the destination, some saw me unloading the bottles and asked me what happen. I'm nagging over what happen to me and how the sales agent treated me, all the way from outside into the office. There is a helpful lady agree to let me return the extra and I pay them the amount I suppose to pay. When she issue me a receipt, she told me that we are brother and sister in Christ, therefore she should have help me. I'm delighted and thankful to God, for He has a plan for me. Finally, I've a perfect word to describe what happen to me~Amazing! This is God's miracle to me, and He has shown me mercy. I can't believe that throughout the year, I was so unlucky and without my own will, God makes thing straight for me. This is just too great for me. Even though this incident looks small, it's a great thing happen in my life. Simply miracle. 10月31日 Long TimeMorning : Neutral
Noon : Neutral
Afternoon : Neutral
Woke up at 5:30 in the morning, to rush for a awareness campaign in a school at Brickfields. Can't open my eyes and I'm just too good to continue my sleep due to rain.
It's my 16th day working in this relief organization, I'm happy with my job, it's like working in my former advertising company, so used to what I'm doing now, organizing event for people. They have assigned me to become photographer, that's second time I'm a photographer since the refugee's sports day. I'm fine with this assignment, but not so keen on my duty for the games today.
The event today turned out to be some sort of messy, specially during the games session. My partner has decided to be the games' emcee by himself and later on turned out to be a mess. I have put my confident in him that he can managed it all. Even after the mess, I didn't blame him for changing instructions so often on the stage. After all, he is still young and learning to control a diversified crowd, a crowd that speaks 4 languages. When I see the chaotic that happened during the game, suddenly my andrenalin kicks in, I went on stage to tell him to be calm and not to change his instruction and to let him know I'll help him to assist the crowd on the floor. However, things doesn't seems to happen. Then, a young lady came from nowhere to assist him. And show goes on.
When came to the end, my superior told me something that gave me a surprise. I realised that each of us has our own strenght and require all to put effort together to make things happen. Later on, my colleague told me about the organization culture when we are on our way back to office. And I guess I'm back to corporate world, I will need to carry myself nicely.
How long will I be here? Where will I head to in my life? It will take a long time to tell, whether I will stay here for long or have something else in my mind. But I know I like this job. Tired to change. 10月18日 AwakenMorning : Neutral
Noon : Neutral
Afternoon : Neutral
More than a month I'm away from keping track of my progress. I'm reluctant, maybe it's because of mood or I am reluctant to post it online due to privacy issue. I'm glad I'm back to business.
It was a whole lot of mess since August till September. I guess I've no luck and have faced tremendous conflicts in the office. Who ever is wrong, I blamed no one but to say "I'm no luck". I quit for good, fear of unwanted troubles coming to me if I continue to work in that company. And starting from the beginning month of October, I'm jobless and worried over my debts and expenses. On top of that, I've faced the issue of my pay being put on hold. Praise to the good Lord, I managed to get my pay eventually, not fully but I'm satisfied and hold no grudge. That's how it is, as the Lord told us to love our neighbour.
Life can be tough, real tough, specially to me. Maybe my tolerance capacity is not big enough, but certainly I do confess my life is not a smooth ride. In the midst of worriness, there comes the salvation. I am defective to a certain degree, yet my God show mercy on me. After a 15 days jobless period, I'm back on track with my favourite work. This is the most difficult and challenging interview I never had before for this work. After a gruelling struggle of interviews, finally they decided to accept me with compassion. And yet, I must perform. I rest assure I do not want to run around this time. For this job is meaningful and I've no complain!
Yesterday was my church big brother's wedding, I help out as a usher, I guess I did a good job and I've someone book me to become their usher for a wedding next year. Kind of exciting, I wonder whether usher can be a full time job. I'm happy to see my big brother has a new life, a beginning of his journey into parenthood.
Today was a memorable day to me, finally a young woman stand up to lead the praises. It shock me, but I struggling myself, saying that she's new and doesn't know the tradition. When the service is over, my elder call up all the men to stay in the hall and give us a lecture. Well, he is a lecturer in a private college. It is an awakening call to all men, to perform their duty as a man in the church, to lead and to serve the Lord's worship. True enough, men are less active now days. The men tradition must move on and ceased to extinct!
The day of misery came to an end, and I'm starting a new leaf. To believe there is a higher power that will lead me is the only way of life. It's good, and I believe following God's word is the only way to have meaningful life. I will try to be good, even though it's hard in this modern day. Well understood that there is a lot of tests waiting for me ahead, and I am awaken by recent incidents that happen to me. I will not give up searching for good. 8月18日 Clock Is TickingMorning : Neutral
Noon : Neutral
Evening : +1
It's been 3 weeks since I work in this new company. I'm numb but I know God is here to help me to find a green pasture. I've long for opportunity to work on my own and to to succeed in a given task. That is, the time is here and I'm glad to take up the challenge that coming my way, and I can see the prospect that I will gain when I'm able to overcome the hurdle. It's time of my life, a career to succeed.
My starting is a mess, bad debts, broken relationship, a messed up operation with very lmited resources. What I have on the table is what I will use to start my business. Challenging, I like it.
I went for a 2 days volunteer works for an exhibition last week, I have a great time and excited that I'm able to offer my limited help to people to make the event succeed. I also have the chance to meet up with my old friend when we work in Doulos. We carry a long way, each advancing into different carrier. I enjoyed meeting new people, people that I may work together in future. The joy I've in me, which I couldn't find in my paid job, shed light in my life. It makes me feel good. A wonderful joy that I will never forget.
Back to my new job, I can see the hurdle coming to my way. It's like a battlefield, I don't know what will happen next. Surely I know I couldn't resist from things that I don't like. And it did happen to me today. It always is human issue, and I have been facing it all my life. I just couldn't understand why must God place me in this? Accusation that hurl to me, which I don't do and unacceptable sometimes, always tumbled me.
And clock is ticking, I don't how much time left, I need to know what is my strenght and where will I go. I can't always follow the same path I use. I must throw away my old self, and become a new creation. Time is running out, before the day is dawn. 8月3日 Good Bye My LoveMorning : Neutral Noon : +2 Afternoon : +2
I couldn’t take it any longer; I’m so angry and frustrate about myself. This feeling in me, dissatisfied over the thing that I’m facing, past and present. How much more I’ve to suffer? How long I have to be in this way?
First day at work, not too bad. waited for door to open, listened to "old stories" from a supplier. This is what I normally face during my lifetime. It was hot in the office, I felt so uncomfortable wearing long sleeve shirt, felt like I'm going to sick. While I'm figuring my new work during noon, someone shook me up, someone that I reluctantly wanted to remember.
I did not start my day the way I want it to be. While hoping of having a new start in life, I ended up with hatred, anger, frustration and afraid. I did not do well recently, add up with the dissatisfaction over my current life, the place I stay, the parking issue at my resident area, my neighbour making noise, water leakage in my house, my work; I have enough of it. It's been weeks I've this frustration, I’ve enough complain, I want to get over it!
How long I have to wait for a change? How much more failure I have to face? I couldn’t take it anymore. My past has given me too much pain that I couldn’t bear, and only God know how is my condition now. I wish You are here so that I don't need to face fear all by myself.
Good bye my love, such a touching song, came at the right time. Like a healing remedy pour on my wound and relieve me from pain. I have to move forward, nothing seems to follow my pace, nor I can find someone that can share my pain and gain. I know, I don’t need to, I’m alone. 7月27日 Smooth TransitionMorning : Neutral Noon : Neutral Afternoon : Neutral
Finally, after a few weeks of absent from my healthy routine, I went for a run after work. Not so good compare to my usual running. Getting slow in pace and exhausted after a short run, I should have continue the running for the past few weeks instead of discontinue the routine. I think I’m not motivated to do so.
I have a good day in the office, nothing much to do at this time. 4 more days, I will be leaving my existing company and take a usual weekend off and then continue a new, challenging task in a new company. I’m excited, and able to foresee the difficulties of the tasks I will face on the first day. I’m really thankful that my new employer has given me an opportunity to learn and practice my experience. It’s like a bet; win or lose, all in my hand. I do feel afraid, but the adventure ride, the twist of making decision, thrills me to take up this challenge. I only live once in my life, and this is the time of my life, I’m not going to lose it nor give it up because I’m afraid. Somehow I got to face the reality one day. I’ve to let go the past, and live to the fullest!
So far I’m back to normal pace; last week was hell break loose. That’s life, the young boy that stuck in my adult body wanted to shed off him self and move forward to face the adulthood. It’s not easy, when he knew he has some sort of deformities in himself. He only knows he has to try harder, like a young butterfly trying to break off from the cocoon. He has to try.
A smooth transition in this time, from old to new, in everything. 7月16日 The FallenMorning : +2 Noon : Neutral Afternoon : +1
It was a fallen week, and I have not doing very well over my addiction. I’m loosing myself.
I’ve stop exercise for 2 weeks, and I resumed today. My neighbour’s uncle cycled with me and he shows me a new road behind my house, quite a nice place to cycle without much traffic. And it doesn’t take up much of my energy too.
In the morning, I was angry, because my superior is going to stop my TV project. All the effort I’ve put in will go to waste.
Last Tuesday, I went for an interview to do voluntary work. It is the longest interview I had in my life, about 2 hours. We talked about the job description and also shared about our point of views in life. And the interviewer assigned me to assist them in teaching refugees’ children. In what subject, I have no clue. I’m happy, because I have a chance to help out the needy.
I joined this group sometime, not too long ago. I was benefited from their program. I learned from them to trust in God the different way, which mean strip down myself to nothing; like an empty jar, to be filled with fresh water. However, in this step, I become my old self. Hope deliverance will be nearby; I’m on a trench now, waiting for rescue.
For the past few weeks, I’m not so happy, I’m troubled. While everybody in the office is waiting for a big job to come, we received bad news that we will not going to have any big project in near time. At the same time, I’m not happy towards my superior; the superior is not motivated to continue the struggle through the tough time. And the whole office atmosphere is dim. I guess it’s time for me to move on.
There is hope to carry on, I shall wait for the Higher Power to show me the way. 6月9日 Hunger & ThirstMorning : Neutral
Noon : Neutral
Afternoon : +2
I went haywire, wonder why I can easily get disturned. I went for a meeting with my boss this noon. After come back, I'm physically tired and not motivated. While I have work to be done, this colleague of mine again giving me heart attach. Wondering in his dream and suggest his idea to the boss. At the end of the day, he added up my work load. Again and again, he day dream and ask others to execute his dream while he put aside his work. So, I stand firm on him this time.
Today, I've to start all over again, I have been struggling to change my old self and become a new self. Sometime I wonder, have I ever make it through; through this world that I haven't knew, I just want to have a clue. Sometime it seems, the world is closing in on me, and there's no way for me to breaking free. Sometimes I want to give up, or give in to the undesire, and I want to quit the fight. But when I see You reaching for me, everything seems to be alright. Because of You, I can face the world, I can do anything and I will not quit the fight easily. When I think how You have mould me, shape me; I see a ray of light, shine right through the rain.
I'm hunger and thirst for You and Your word. I couldn't give up for the good thing I'm pursuing, I will not quit and I will not lose heart. I do not mind there will be no one who can understand what I desire, certainly I do mind that I couldn't be the one He wants me to be. I would rather give up all comfort and easy living in this life, to pursuit what is good and righteous. If that's what it takes.
Life is like cycling, tough but enjoyable. This is how I perceive it. I love tough sport, like road cycling. Sweat and pain is all I desire. Like my life, nothing come easy. If you want to enjoy the satisfaction in life, you have to be persistance and determine. Today, I have the joy for conquering the little Alps.
6月7日 Sense Of BelongingMorning : Neutral
Noon : Neutral
Afternoon : Neutral
I went for cycling at Genting Sempah yesterday morning. Caught in jam from Cheras MRR2 to Gombak toll. I found out that KL is no longer a good place to drive or live anymore.
Genting Sempah is my favourite spot, that's where I started to cycle long journey years back. A bit dissapointment to me, that I can't finish the whole journey and give up for the last 1 kilometer. Wonder why I am not stronger than ever before. A little bit more of pain and sweat is all I need in order to be tough.
Never give up, never loose heart is my motto. Don't give in to unrighteousness, to me it's difficult but it's possible to do. What's more, I can do everything through Him who gives me strenght! I believed, as long as I set myself in the right way, it shouldn't be a problem to achieve something that will do good for me, something that will please His eyes.
There's one thing that play in my mind, I shared it with my best buddies yesterday after the cycling. I told them that I wish to achieve my ambition, after changing so many jobs in my life, I find out that I have no way to go and I don't know what else I can do in my life. As I believed in Him, should I wait and do nothing? Like a lazy man? Or I should just go ahead, bang my head and feel the pain? Try until I am tired and retire by saying "Well, I'm old now, I think this is what I like to do in my life". I hope He will reveal His will for me.
I told my buddies, I don't have a sense of belonging, not to someone that close to me, family or this piece of land. There's a job, I think, will give me that kind of feeling and glory that I wanted to have in this world. Forget about heaven, I would prefer to be in the wild, I was born to be wild. Some long for eternal life, some long for a good life and some searching for forgiveness, and I looking for a purpose in my life. Before I'm ready for this job, I need to improve my stamina and strenght, to a competitive level. When time is right, He will show me the way. |
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